In relationships, it’s normal to have disagreements and conflicts. However, how we handle those conflicts can make all the difference in the health and happiness of our relationship. According to Gottman couples therapy, there are four behaviors that are particularly destructive to relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These behaviors are known as the “Four Horsemen” of Gottman couples therapy.
Criticism is when we attack our partner’s character or personality, rather than addressing a specific behavior. For example, saying “you’re so lazy” is a criticism, while saying “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done” is not. Criticism can be damaging to a relationship because it can make our partner feel attacked and defensive.
Contempt is when we show disrespect or scorn towards our partner. This can take the form of eye-rolling, sarcastic comments, or insults. Contempt is especially damaging to a relationship because it undermines our partner’s positive feelings towards us.
Defensiveness is when we become overly defensive when our partner brings up an issue or concern. This can involve denying responsibility or making excuses, rather than taking an honest look at our actions. Defensiveness can make it difficult to resolve conflicts and can lead to a cycle of arguing.
Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down and becomes emotionally distant during a conflict. This can involve withdrawing from the conversation, becoming silent, or simply refusing to engage. Stonewalling can be especially damaging to a relationship because it makes it difficult to resolve conflicts and can lead to a feeling of disconnection.
If you recognize any of these behaviors in your relationship, it’s important to take steps to address them. This can involve seeking the help of a couples therapist, learning how to communicate more effectively, and practicing forgiveness and empathy. By reducing or eliminating the “Four Horsemen,” you can build a stronger, healthier relationship with your partner.